counting my blessings

there are days where i feel angry with the world and everything in general and there are days where i am calm, collected and at peace with being rejected (this sounds wrong) because i know that one day, everything will work out in the end and i'd achieve what i set out to do and a few rejections at this juncture wont change that fact a whit.

sitting in a mrt train on a sunday morning on my way to work (yes i have to work on a SUNDAY MORNING), i realised that i really ought to count my blessings. of course, it did help that everything was nice and quiet and there weren't standing people glaring reproachfully at me for actually having a seat while they had to stand. for one, i'm not struggling to live, i have fantastic parents, wonderful friends and on the academic side, uh, i have been offered places in universities which gives me another shot at being a doctor should all my applications for undergraduate study fall apart. if it should come, it will come.

i have to keep that all in mind. it isnt easy, and i know i've failed to do that for the last few days, but i will try. and of course, i wont give up.

that said, i think i better dig out the admissions package for nus and decide if i want to go for those tea sessions. actually i just want to find out if the degree offered by nus is accepted for admission to graduate medical school, as well as know what modules they offer. the impression i got so far of ntu (i keep typing nut. argh) is that the biological sciences course is skewed towards biomedicine, and nus' is more of life sciences. in this aspect i guess ntu is more appealing to me (if i forget about undergraduate medicine altogether) but i guess i better get all my facts right first. but the one thing about the tea sessions is that since its by the faculty of SCIENCE i'd have to sit through all the chemistry-physics-mathematics talks which honestly, will put me right to sleep. okay, maybe not chemistry (who knows? lol) because i could keep my options open, but physics and mathematics, uh, whatever.

drowning myself..

in song(s), that is.

sometimes i listen to a song and it gives me inspiration, renewed determination for the courage to take the next step and i think, this is really pathetic, what happened to my inner strength? but i suppose i need a boost from time to time.

i look at the brick wall i've come up against, and i wonder, what next?

every other option has its pitfalls.

time.

money.

i'm sick of drafting appeal letters. i fear looking like a fool after i send my next one. to be honest, i feel ridiculous even drafting it. my results are nothing to shout about, and yet i'm doing all of these, demanding attention, help, change, whatever gives.

appeal, appeal, appeal.

xia yi zhan shi bu shi tian tang. jiu suan shi wang, bu neng jue wang.

i suppose one would think that i should just submit to whatever life dishes out to me, shut up and appreciate the one offer i've received so far, which is to study biological sciences at the university nearest to home.

bu pa qian wan ren zhu dang, zhi pa zhi ji tou xiang.

why is it that the things i ask for in jest come so readily but those i thrist for dont? so that i will treasure it should i actually taste it?

well. time to go to sleep. and dream.

my sunset.

The twenty-third Psalm

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

ger is irritated.

good friday seems to be morons/assholes/insert-vulgarity-or-abuse-of-your-choice-in-noun-form galore day.

some people think that just because they are educated and rich they are entitled to kick up a big fuss over a small matter and on top of that, take it out on people who cant hit back at them. its not the issue of money, you say, okay, then why didnt you pay and later try to claim the money back? and after you keep saying that you're educated and you know what's going on and you'd fight for what is right (in your era, maybe) you make me want to laugh when you criticise the government and administration for its inefficiency and say that its a good thing election time is here BECAUSE, moron, the pap is a POLITICAL PARTY and the singapore government is a GOVERNMENT. and there is a difference. it is connected in a way in singapore, at least for now, but there is a fundamental dichotomy. get your facts right before you start ranting and raving and making a fool out of yourself.

i feel sorry for his son. i dont think he wanted to blow up the matter, but i think his dad most certainly will, right up to, who knows? the top of mindef and moh. and like it or not, i'm quite sure that boy is going to get blacklisted by saf and will probably spend the rest of his ns life getting tekan and/or doing sai gang.

and then. there was this stupid lady who walked right in and demanded "how come your phone line is engaged for the last 30 mins?" nutcase. how would we know, we received calls for the last 30 mins. and she insisted that it was our phone's problem and not her phone. er, havent you heard of the word COINCIDENCE? which can be applied to sentences like "Perhaps you tried to call our clinic it was a COINCIDENCE that at the same time we we already on the line with someone else?" probability of this is 1 in, i dont know, maybe 4,532,845,043,689,984,574,396,820,473? but it can still happen. -wow- and then, after registering that nutcase's son, the phone rang. i picked it up, and the line went dead. later my colleague told me that mother and son were laughing when that happened, and the son had a phone in the hand.

well done. like mother and son. monkey see monkey do. no wonder the number of stupid, unreasonable and illogical people never decrease. wonders never cease, do they?

and then, the nutcase kept coming in and asking (demand would be more like it) how come it isnt her turn yet and why is the patient taking so long, and that the wait was "ridiculous." seriously, i think YOU'RE ridiculous. if you dont want wait time, get your own personal doctor at your beck and call!

people are like that. they dont want to wait, yet if they spend a looooooooooooooooong time in the consultation room, its only right. and anyone with half a brain would know that a patient's short waiting time and loooooong consultation time are mutually exclusive for doctors in providing the same high standard of care.

i am spending my public holiday in the clinic instead of bumming around town with people whom i was supposed to meet up with so as to serve you, the patient. and things would be very much better if you would just be a teeny weeny bit more grateful and polite.

that said, i am eternally grateful to patients who co-operate without a great fuss when we have to stop the queue and tell patients to come back after lunch, or go elsewhere. it really isnt their fault, nor is it ours. but so many people could have just hurled abuse at us, threaten to complain and generally make our lives a lot less pleasant but didnt.

ger is working.

while everyone is blissfully snoozing at home on a public holiday, i'm right here in the clinic.

sidenote: i think my post titles are starting to sound retarded. and this might be a pattern for future titles! -gasp- its slowly resembling damian's standard template for titles, except that mine sounds so much dumber. sigh.

anyway, yours truly may be working, but my modem at home most certainly isnt, which explains the utter lack of updates. (this must be the record length of time i've left my blog to rot) for some mysterious reason, the power in my house enjoys tripping a great deal, and the violent thunderstorm over 2 days some time ago didnt help things. so now, the altar lights have completely blown (yes, BOTH of them) and my modem has officially died too, after abt 3 months of usage. sad, i know.

ger is sick.

well. my long awaited spell of minor flu/fever/whatever is finally here. welcome, you lousy bug; dont think i actually love you, you're a necessary evil to prevent myself from actually collasping from one huge bout of illness; that is assuming that you are the evil minion and not the evil big bad guy himself.

i simply love the timing of this. my work partner has just taken 2 wks of mc because of chicken pox and we're all stretched thin. this week has been incredibly busy (if i ever said that tues, wed and thurs are slack days, I TAKE THAT BACK.) and by the looks of it, friday (tmr) aint going to get better. and i cant possibly take mc tmr and leave my 3 remaining colleagues to drown trying to cover 4 slots.

then again, certain not so pleasant events and revelations have actually nudged me into actually turning my back on my responsible self and consider letting a particular person(s) drown. but that would include making life difficult for more agreeable people. ah well. i'm already doing that (abeit guiltily) come wednesday where i cant do morning shift (isat) and night (language lesson) so i just decided to take the day off.

and despite being a road hazard twice over tmr (trainee driver + sick driver), i will still crawl over to bbdc for driving lessons in the morning unless they will let me cancel the lesson and refund my 58 bucks.

i have a gazillion things to blog about, but i simply dont have the energy for it. here's the list for later elaboration.

- my guqin. ("my")
- malay lesson.
- bread delivery.
- the lack of shortlist email.
- mayday cd!

well the list looks boring but i do want to mumble abt them so er, cya soon.

uh...

if anyone out there has received the email about nus medicine shortlisting, please please drop me a tag okie... i realise there are many many many drawbacks about having a screwy email, and missing what might be one of the most impt emails in my life ranks among them.

strange huh, would have thought that gmail was more reliable, but after my ccf incident... dont want to take chances.

a short (or maybe not) update

i see that my blog has been stagnant for some time, which is not good because there might be ades nyamuk breeding next. (nyamuk = mosquito)

friday was the 49th day after my grandma passed away so acc to tradition (or rites, whatever you call it) we had to collect her photo and makeshift ancestral tablet from bright hill temple and bring it to a temple in jurong east where more prayers were chanted and the makeshift ancestral table and urn for josssticks destroyed. i dont know, but looking at her picture makes me want to cry again.

april fool's passed in a blink, though the only thing which vaguely resembled april fool at work was the fact that this particular dr was on duty and somehow or other i just feel like laughing at his cheerful face. then met the class for dinner which was er, quite a drag (because of the ridiculously loooooooong wait) but was well worth it towards the end as we sat ard and talked abt weird topics. at 12 the esplanade guards kicked us out of our hiding place and we trooped over to the 24hr macdonalds at bras brasah where we rotted until 1am. that was the latest i've ever went home =X (or maybe you can call that earliest heh) but there was this very nice wen xin feeling about the entire thing though we were talking loads of crap and laughing at things and (for alex and i) running around trying not to get "jinx-milo"-ed by each other. its quite funny to think that we are all on the threshold of adulthood (2 years is close enough!) and somehow or other, we dont look like it. hahahaha

sunday. i woke up at uh, late morning (so obviously i didnt go sao mu), then rushed around looking for a present for mingyan. its been a loooong time since i saw tsinli =D missed her so much haha hopefully we will all get to med school! haha it was quite interesting at mingyan's dinner, the table we were at could be divided quite simply into 3 categories (unless i'm much mistaken): those who applied for medicine, those who applied for business and those who are going to study piano performance. felt quite happy on that day, seeing people who mean loads loads to me.

i expected monday to be damn sucky save for the guqin lesson and dinner with wai but surprise surprise! work was better than expected, no irritating patients, nicely busy without having to run everywhere all over the place. =D i did my first ecg (actually considered as 1/2 more like it because i screwed up halfway) then i promptly disappeared at four for guqin lessons! i think i should have started guqin lessons earlier coz my chinese standard would have improved by miles ahead nicely for o levels! laoshi seemed quite determined to bring my knowledge of chinese history and music and poetry up to scratch (which basically means my level of chinese would go up eh) and i realised how little i actually know about music. -sigh- but nvm. today i'm going to borrow the guqin he said he'd lend me and i can start practicing! =D =D =D

i called up club rainbow to ask abt the no-reply regarding volunteer tuition and it seems they dont take anyone below 20 for the simple reason that previous volunteers were irresponsible enough to quit after 2-3 months. sian la. hopefully i will know my university placement soon enough, start school QUICKLY so that i can gain a clearer idea of what demands are and then confirm time to volunteer. heh. only 6 more months to 20 wad! (by then, that is.)