-headache-
Welcome tea was today. I daren't ask the seniors what they thought of it, whether good or not, and we forgot one pretty big thing today - the sign up sheet. Also, more people turned up than expected, so I think food levels got pretty low. We did a lot of last minute work again, and I think this has to stop very soon because the next internal event (assuming no social events) is co camp which is something that spans over a few days and most certainly wont allow much space for maneuvering through unexpected circumstances.
All the same, I'm still not able to go up to unknown people and just speak to them - which is a very big problem these few weeks where we're trying to pull in new members. I mean, if people approach me I can speak normally and such, but there's just this huge activational energy barrier to overcome in order to speak to someone I don't know, especially when selling something, and I just end up sounding very awkward and flustered - not good. Why does this problem get larger the older I get?
What's the problem? Fear of - what? Judgement? Rejection?
I also noticed a distinct difference in my behavior in big and small groups. When there are too many people around, I go into hibernate mode and observe. I literally blend into the surroundings. This is something I believe I picked up in the jc days where class dynamics was sometimes such that everyone talks but nobody listens.
This was also observed during the immersion in stuttgart, when sometimes I had something to say, but because everyone else seems to be talking at the same time, I mostly kept quiet. Unless I felt compelled to say something, perhaps, which probably wasn't anything good and often against the general idea - perhaps this was how I got the "cold, fierce and intimidating" image. I thought it was probably because I just didn't operate on the same frequency as the others, but I had to tear that up when I met some of them in smaller groups at various times and I realised that my tongue was still working, after all.
Matric fair and Welcome Tea also saw me retreating and observing after a while. Clearly, this is getting pathological. What should I do now?
All the same, I'm still not able to go up to unknown people and just speak to them - which is a very big problem these few weeks where we're trying to pull in new members. I mean, if people approach me I can speak normally and such, but there's just this huge activational energy barrier to overcome in order to speak to someone I don't know, especially when selling something, and I just end up sounding very awkward and flustered - not good. Why does this problem get larger the older I get?
What's the problem? Fear of - what? Judgement? Rejection?
I also noticed a distinct difference in my behavior in big and small groups. When there are too many people around, I go into hibernate mode and observe. I literally blend into the surroundings. This is something I believe I picked up in the jc days where class dynamics was sometimes such that everyone talks but nobody listens.
This was also observed during the immersion in stuttgart, when sometimes I had something to say, but because everyone else seems to be talking at the same time, I mostly kept quiet. Unless I felt compelled to say something, perhaps, which probably wasn't anything good and often against the general idea - perhaps this was how I got the "cold, fierce and intimidating" image. I thought it was probably because I just didn't operate on the same frequency as the others, but I had to tear that up when I met some of them in smaller groups at various times and I realised that my tongue was still working, after all.
Matric fair and Welcome Tea also saw me retreating and observing after a while. Clearly, this is getting pathological. What should I do now?
posted by ger @ 12:47 上午
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